Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
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All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
favorite tropes as memes
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect