*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
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Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast