I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
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Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!