I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
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Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
saw this in a dream
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*