Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
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Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
yeah 😭
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.