Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
You Might Also Like
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.