“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
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Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.