Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
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The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
😂 amazing answer
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
don’t be scared