“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
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Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Made something I’m not proud of
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
cats when you pet them too long:
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”