never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
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If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.