Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
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what the hell pray for carter everyone
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.