Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
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What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
This meal prepping shit is easy
my proudest tweet
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser