Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
You Might Also Like
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken