Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
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*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there