Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
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*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on