I weigh at least 17 squirrels
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Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed