“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
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Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Not all heroes wear capes.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget