Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
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I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
*performs CPR on the turkey*
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time