Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
You Might Also Like
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!