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6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”