*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
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Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I’m Sold!
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.