Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
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Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
me when the borders lift
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad