If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
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Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Heroic Misunderstanding
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Big Sex has us all fooled
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun