I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
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a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
one of
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family