Heroic Misunderstanding
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Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work