People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
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Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it