“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
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Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit