Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
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What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat