I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
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me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla