I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
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[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
🤣😂🤣
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In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
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Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.