I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
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DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*