The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
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Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!