Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
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*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit