I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
You Might Also Like
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
man: wait
time: no
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot