“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
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Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
seems like a niche market
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader