I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
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quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Anime is real
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.