EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
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Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Its a hippotatomus
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude