If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
You Might Also Like
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.