“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
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going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.