There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
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If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
*pronounces fake like saké*
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
They’re really bad with fonts.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.