Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
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“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”