My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
You Might Also Like
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?