[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
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i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
When a shoelace touches your ankle
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right