If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
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If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Jesus steals the winter solstice
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
🤣🤣
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]