a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
You Might Also Like
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.