My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
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When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.