only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
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Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
HOW DARE YOU
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
worst…sale…ever
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Donkey Kong sommelier
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.