My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
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I’m not proud
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.