My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
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Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN