The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
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It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?