why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
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Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.