I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
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Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
i will not be silenced
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I’ve been learning to cook.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
need him
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.